after stepping in a rather large pile of shit one, otherwise lovely, evening, i vowed to speak out against the insanity. this leaf carrying the message “this is shit”, and many others, were left on piles of shit throughout Montpellier for days after ‘the incident’.

I’m one of those freaks that loves natural shit. The great outdoors? See you in the sleeping bag! Sage flavored toothpaste? No need for hesitation! My boyfriend loves italian food! Washing my hair with baking soda? Double wammy- keeps me cheap and clean! Whole grain? How ever many grains it takes to get me a whole piece, please! Shit on the sidewalk? Am I in? Bet your dog’s ass, I am! Ain’t nothin’ more natural than a little dookie!

So to all you dogs out there, shitting all over the sidewalks of the world, this is just a big thank you, from me, to your leash drivers. Never have I ever had so much fun walking to the store!

//The game of Urban Shitschotch came in to my life this past year and I can’t iterate enough the generous health benefits of this natural alternative to boring ol’ regular walking.

The first health benefit, very much a mental health benefit, I noticed after just a few weeks of Shitscotch. The benefit of incredible attentiveness. Never have I ever been so aware! I mean I am really in tune with the sidewalk, really in tune with the gravel, the little weeds that push their way through the concrete (probably made easier with the help of your nutrient-rich shittiness)! Is this enlightenment? Am I close to nirvana? I am the sidewalk since examining so closely its every groove, crack and gooey brown lump.

The second health benefit is also a mental health benefit, this game is full of mental self-improvement! I owe to this wonderful game a newfound, childlike joy that spews from my soul when I or my little brave foot finds one of those treasurous lumps. I haven’t felt this kind of joy, well, since I was 5 years old! Really brings me back to the mud pie days… mmm brown mud. The endless surprise on the walk to work, the never ending skip-move that jolts me in to action, these now define my pedestriac life and it really breaks the daily routine, keeps me on my toes, keeps life exciting!

The third benefit isn’t really physical or mental (unless we are getting philosophical here!!). The third benefit is of pure aesthetic significance! There is a deep sadness that fills the filthy pits of my soul when I think of all the people who have never had the joy of seeing a pair of pants freshly adorned with the dull, earthy color of fecal brown. Oh! Brown! The newest black of all! The most loveliest shades are the light colored fecals, the ones that hint at sepia tones and instagram filters of yore. What a nostalgic color that light fecal is! Nothing like a little color to shitify your mood!

For all the health benefits, I thank you people, you leash drivers of the world’s canine population. My appreciation for this wonderful game of Shitscotch has grown daily as the health benefits prove themselves to be numerous! I shall spread the word, from one sidewalk slate to them all, brown is the new green is the new black is the new gold! So thank you! Thank you! Merci beaucoup! For all that glorious puppy poo!

:::::::::

This is a short “vent essay” to my current home, the lovely lady France.
Oh France, you can be so charming. With your acceptance of denim-on-denim outfits (I’m a proud 90s girl), your wine before noon, your literature, your poetry, your lilting idioms- you’ve niched a place in my heart. 

You have given me good healthcare, good times and even a bunch of young people to corrupt, but what’s with all this shitty POO!

::::::::::